Yesterday work was extremely stressful for me. We have moved to teaching online for COVID-19 and our district is still working things out as far as expectations for teachers and students. I teach mostly freshmen and I’ll admit that sometimes I take my job too seriously. Yes, I am teaching Biology, but more importantly, I am trying to teach my students responsibility and work ethic. I want them to know that there are consequences for their decisions. Many of them have had crazy lives and too much or not enough discipline. My lessons are more important than my content.
So work is kind of shifting about directives for teachers. Some of the expectations aren’t realistic, some get sent then immediately revised, some are obviously not best practice. And our administration is doing their best. They really are. And we are too. I get several thank you emails a day from administration and colleagues. I know they appreciate our work. But I also want to do things correctly and it has been hard to identify what is “correct,” lately.
Yesterday was tough. My group of teacher friends were all stressed to the max. And when I am done with work I can’t relax and unwind because my home is stressful too.
Yesterday my husband was odd. All day he ignored anything I said, with the exception of when I announced “Dinner!” to which he replied, “Already? It’s too early.” I think he did thank me for making the tacos. But he was eerily quiet all day. When we were all watching a show during Family Movie Time, he stood up and left without saying a word. Later when I tucked the kids in he was asleep in his room. So weird. I expected him to be raging.
And I didn’t have to wait long. I got up this morning and checked my email and he had emailed the lawyer at midnight telling her that the agreement we have won’t work because he wants me to move out sooner. This man is ridiculous!
I texted him back that the lawyer is not a conflict specialist. That he should stop emailing her and let her do her job! I know that he just wants attention. I knew he was going to blow up about something. I took a breath, put on my spinning ring, and went to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
When he comes into the room he greets me, “Good morning honey!” This I do not understand. I replied, “yeah,” And started cooking my eggs. I asked him what he is doing. Explained that he can’t send his every worry and anxiety to the lawyer and asked if he remembered that we had a plan and choices for May. He could stay home and use up our savings or he can go back to work and probably not have to work any flights because 99% of them have been cancelled. He is still not collecting any unemployment. I am our only source of income. When he goes back to work, to protect the kids from the virus we have two options, he can get a crashpad, basically rent a room near the airport, or I can pack up the kids and dogs and drive 20 hours to my parents house.
I am ask, “Do you remember? You were sitting at that table!” He shouts, “You said you were not moving out until December!” That is not what I said. What I said was that December is the deadline for me to move out in the marriage settlement agreement. I am trying to move out as soon as I can.
He screams, “I DON’T WANT THIS! YOU CAUSED THIS! YOU CAUSED THIS!” I said, “No, your behaviors are causing this. If i had my way we would have had this all done and settled long before the world knew of a virus.”
“YOU ARE A PIECE OF SHIT! YOU CAUSED THIS!”
“I DID NOT CAUSE THIS!” I yelled back. He looks around, “Shhhh,” the neighbors will hear you. He had at that point been yelling at me for 15 minutes. I told him I am not delaying moving out, I want to love out as soon as possible but it takes more than 24 hours to buy a new house. “YOU ARE A PIECE OF SHIT!” No, I am not. I am not.
He continues to email me through out the day. I haven’t gotten much work done because I am trying to contact a notary and see if self-storage is open and accepting new applications. He is telling me I am forcing him to return to work. He truly does not understand any conversation we have ever had and it is so frustrating. I am not making him work in May. I want him to go to work and not come home but I am willing to use savings that I carefully saved for moving to prevent him from getting sick.
The marriage therapist says to disengage but that is so hard when we are trapped in the same house 24/7 with no escape. I am sleeping in my daughter’s room and sleeping in her bed. I am living in the basement office. I am loading and unloading the dishwasher everyday. I am cooking all the meals for the kids, attending to their school and emotional needs, and making sure they bathe. I feel like I am doing everything and I cannot wait to escape this prison.
But I decided I am not leaving this house until I have a place to move into. I am not running just because he is an asshole. Fuck him. This is my house and I have a right to be here, even after he refinances it, until I can find a place of my own or December 31, 2020, which ever comes first. Fuck him. I am done being cooperative. I emailed him that I am not moving out. I ordered boxes so I can get my things out of the house so he doesn’t damage them. I will live in the office in the basement and sleep with my daughter. I will read and try to find hope and joy. Nothing lasts forever.