What is going on here?

Last night I joined my yoga studio for a social zoom.  We brought wine. It was a nice chat with friends.  The host of the Zoom had promised her husband it would end promptly at 8pm so at 7:55 we were saying good-byes when I received a text. “Can you come upstairs and talk to your daughter.” I replied, “Soon.”

“Get up here” her sent.

“No,” I returned.

At 7:58 he walked into the office where I was saying good-bye to my friends and told me I needed to go upstairs because “something was wrong with 13yo.  She is suicidal or something. She won’t come out of her room.”

While I understand that suicide is serious, my 13yo is not suicidal.  She just wants her dad to leave her alone.  My call ended and I started the march up to her room from the basement.  How is it possible that I cannot take a one hour call with friends without being desperately needed for an emergency.

In her room, she was curled in a ball sobbing.  Her dad, who she had asked to leave her alone, had come into her room and forced her into a conversation.  When she was upset by this and started to cry, he sat on her bed, put his arms around her and made her hold his hand.  I held her and told her this wasn’t her fault while she sobbed and told me she didn’t want him to hug her and he made her hold his hand but she wanted him to get away from her.

He thinks I have poisoned her against him, but he cannot see that she is responding to his actions. He just read her journal, has told her repeatedly by his actions that he doesn’t care about her emotions.  Has said he expects her to wash the dishes immediately when he asks.  He described how she recoiled from him. He said she’s afraid of me, she doesn’t want me near her.  “Then what did you do?”  He says, “I gave her a hug to show her I love her.”

WHAT?

If your kid is showing you that they are afraid of you, and you hug them, then you wonder why she is sobbing?  He consistently ignores her boundaries. She sets them up and he knocks them over. With his actions he repeatedly tells her, she shouldn’t have any boundaries with him.  For some reason he expects unconditional love from his children while also being unable to give it to them.  He has the direction of the vector wrong.

In some kind of aligning of the planets, my mom also sent me crazy texts last night that I need her and my dad to come live with us so they can help me move.  Neither one of my parents is in any shape to move anything.  She also told me that I need a man with me when I buy a house. Thanks for the advice mom but it is not 1920.

This morning after 13yos tears have dried, H started with me again about I am pushing him out of the kids lives and he wants to be more of a part of everything. But he doesn’t.  He is all mad that he wasn’t involved in picking out 13yos kindle but he was THERE WITH US when we picked it out.  He was sitting in the same room as us ignoring our conversation and staring at his phone.

He says he ignores us because “you can’t understand the stress I am under.” But he has NEVER paid attention to his family.  Even now, he wants his daughter to talk to him and for her to say everything is okay, so that he is reassured.  He is not doing anything to reassure her that she is safe and protected. The opposite, he is telling her that he won’t listen to what she asks for.  How are they ever going to have a good relationship if he doesn’t respect her?

He is talking about leaving for the weekend. I don’t know where he is going because we are on lockdown. But I will be so happy if he leaves and we can have a few days without the stress that he brings.  He says I bring the stress.  He is telling me that I am creating this drama.  I can’t even see clearly right now to see if he is wrong or right.  I don’t think I create drama.  When he is gone at work normally, there is no drama in the house. Definitely no yelling, only happy giggles!  No one sobbing inconsolably!

I was trying to leave this relationship amicably but that is becoming harder and harder as we are getting closer to the actual separation. The state just reopened real estate transactions this week and slowly houses are being put on the market for sale.  H is waiting on a decision about his loan to refinance. I just wanted everyone to be nice while we are on lockdown so we could get through this without accruing more damage but as always, I was too optimistic.

 

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