I gave found reading accounts of others who have suffered emotional abuse, possibly at the hands of a covert narcissist, to be extremely helpful to me. Things that I spent a lot of time trying to figure out but never made sense, are commonalities in our stories. It helps.
One thing this is not often discussed is sex. I believe my husband’s characteristics land him firmly in the covert narcissist category. Low self-esteem, high self-importance, needs constant reassurance, no empathy. Imagine carting the load if issues into the bedroom!
The sex was never good. And it took me a long time to put my finger on it. In the beginning, it was ok. I thought infrequent but we didn’t see each other much because of work schedules. There was a very routine pattern and approach. Always the same position with my face turned away from him. Always lacking attention to me and lacking intimacy. And he was incapable of talking about it. Still, he can’t bring himself to say the word “penis” he says “my pee-pee.” WHO DOES THAT?
I have never orgasmed with my husband. When I was trying to get pregnant with both of my children, he would finish, get up to shower, and I would masturbate to climax, because it increases chances for conception.
In 19 years, most years we had sex less than 10 times in a year. I bet total less than 20 times in the whole marriage.
When we were dating he said he had a low libido. His excuse was that he was taking medication to help him quit smoking, for me.
On our wedding night he was too tired for sex.
For years he had high liver enzymes. This killed his libido.
Then we had 2 children that didn’t sleep, which meant I was never in the mood. And this is when he suddenly had interest in more sex. When I was working, with 2 small children, and sleeping about 3 hours a night, he demanded sex. I didn’t get it, we never had much sex. But the years that the kids were not sleeping, he was always pestering me for sex and always mad when I said I needed the 3 hours of sleep I was getting. (No he never got up with the kids because he said they always wanted me. Convenient.)
When I demanded counseling for his anger, one of the first counselors we saw, not recognizing his incapacity for empathy, suggested we go on more dates, that we have more sex. To me this was excessively unfair. I was already strapped for time, stressed, overworked. I would have enjoyed him just paying attention to me when we were home together. He never did. He wanted me away from the kids, so he could be my focus. (We did not go back to that counselor.)
I did make an effort to have more sex. I got dressed up, shaved my legs, found a sitter, made reservations. In his typical style, he showed up for these events and then complained that they were not great enough. On the next date we should do something better. But he would never take initiative to plan anything he would tell me to call.
The last time we had sex, I had 2 glasses of wine. For the first time I can remember, I was in a position that was enjoyable to me. And he could see my face. Sex lasted about 4 minutes before he threw me off of him and called me a drunk slut. That is when I decided I was not having sex with him unless he changed how he was treating me. That was 3 years ago.
He complains that we are “not intimate” which is true but it has nothing to do with not having sex. He is incapable of intimacy. I just mean intimate friendship. Emotional closeness. He can’t empathize and does not care about anyone else’s problems. If I have a bad day at work and tell him about it he yells at me, so I cannot and do not share with him abut my day, my struggles. It just gives him more ammunition to hurt me. To him being intimate means sex. That is the only way he understands it. When I say, not sex, intimacy he asked, “what is that?”
I don’t know why he would want to sleep with a drunk slut anyway.
When I was still trying to “save the family” and make this work, one of my requirements for him was that he go to therapy to learn what being intimate without sex means. I have repeatedly told him, I want you to be a good friend to me. He never has been able to do that.
The funniest thing is I doubt that it has even ever occurred to him to wonder if I have ever orgasmed with him! He is so self-absorbed that I don’t think it ever crossed his mind.
So there you have it, something that I don’t see many people talking about, how bad sex is with a covert narcissist.