We signed the settlement agreement. He has 90 days to refinance the house. He can’t start yet because he’s voluntarily unemployed right now.

I contacted my realtor but it’s going to take time. No one is allowed to go into houses to see them until after they make an offer and do inspection. A lot of people aren’t putting their houses in the market because times are uncertain. So I am just waiting.

My 13yo and I got a curbside order from Michaels. And painted most of the day. I am reading “Untamed,” by Glennon Doyle and “The Giver of Stars,” by Jojo Moyes. Both are good.

It’s this big pause, this , sit with it, that is so uncomfortable. If anything it confirms that I am doing the right thing. That I am leaving a loveless marriage. I am leaving a husband that screams he hates me and I am a stupid lesbian freak. (I’m not any of those things but I guess it makes him feel better?) I have schoolwork and I have wine but everyday is just waiting for the next part to begin. It’s a crappy place to be. Be here now and all that. I’m here, and I know this isn’t how I want to be treated. And so I am trying to leave but the world is making it so difficult.

Yesterday, I said something about my parents being stuck in their house. My husband asked, “doesn’t your dad walk everyday?”

“I don’t think so,” I replied, “since his surgery his legs get tired quickly.”

“What surgery? You never told me he had surgery!”

“Remember when his legs were numb, from his back, and he had back surgery? His legs are still not quite right.”

“Oh. I never knew he had surgery!”

But the thing is, he did. He talked to me about it. He talked to me dad about it. We talked together about how he is still limping and how long it will take for it to heal. He did know my dad had surgery. Is it that he just didn’t care? So he forgot? Or is it that he has Alzheimer’s or amnesia or some kind of brain damage? Is forgetting that because he’s a narcissist focused on himself or is his brain broken? Are those things the same?

I didn’t get mad about this. But I am so puzzled. He can’t remember my dad had surgery which we definitely have had conversations about. Does he just not care enough about me to remember anything I say? But it isn’t just me. It’s everyone. He doesn’t remember the kids likes and dislikes. He doesn’t remember the foods I can eat and those that can kill me. He doesn’t remember how much we pay for insurance when he’s asked me dozens of times and each time I beg him to write the number down. Is it his brain? Or is it that he never ever pays attention to anyone else? Either way, it is so sad.

I talked with my 8yo son this week about having two houses. This kid is so wise. He said he’s kind of looking forward to it. But that his friend at school says “it’s tough because one person has to do all the things of two parents.” Then he says, “but mom, you already do all the things so I don’t think it will be hard for you. But it’s going to be harder for dad.” He is so wise, so empathetic, such a darling. He’s right. I am just hopeful that he rises to the occasion instead of taking his frustrations out on the kids. I say I hope but really I am so doubtful. I just hope he doesn’t permanently damage the kids. That’s my hope.

What do you think?

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