FRIDAY: Am I the crazy one? My husband, just now, again, told me, “We have to talk.” Which always means to me, that he needs me to solve some shit pile of a mess he has gotten himself into.
He just proposed that we postpone refinancing the house for THREE YEARS. And I think he expected me to be happy about this. He asked me if he could take a 6 month COLA and not work for 6 more months. He told me that he doesn’t want coronavirus and doesn’t want to bring it home when he goes back to work in May.
I don’t understand why he didn’t say these things BEFORE the finalization session. If I was in his position with his fears, I would have found a solution that made me reliable on myself. He can’t think of a solution that doesn’t involve me living in his home for 3 more years “until things level out.” Things might never level out. When I asked why he didn’t say this BEFORE the finalization session, he said he tried. He never mentioned this. He just kept saying, “things are bad at work. I am going to be on reserve.”
Now he thinks I should…. I don’t even know what he proposed because it wasn’t a plan. I think he wanted to not work for 6 months while I just live here with him but still “get divorced.” How does that even work?
SATURDAY: This morning I told him I think we will have enough savings for him to stay home in May. And he got mad at me. I thought this was what he wanted? He said he suggested that already. Suggested? Asked? Taking a month off work depends on the cash we have at hand. How long will our savings last? Is he getting and unemployment?
Yesterday he asked to take a 6 month leave. We can’t do that. We won’t have cash, my sanity won’t be able to take it. I can’t support him for 6 months when all I want is away from this relationship.
Now he’s mad because when he asked me yesterday what I want, I said I want him to go to work and I want to move out. That is what I want. He asks me for my opinion and then gets mad when it isn’t the same as his.
SUNDAY: He makes me feel like I am insane. I just want to make a plan to separate and follow that plan. He doesn’t want to make a plan and wants to just wait and see how things go, which means, never separate?
He suggested that we pay off the house before divorcing. That sounds great but if we had the money to pay off the house we would have done that already. And to me, it just sounds completely irrational. Even if the house is paid off, then he’s just giving me more money to buy out my equity. It makes no sense.
I think I know that what he’s saying makes no sense. The marriage counselor says, “he makes no sense. He’s not logical.” But I still spend a lot of time trying to make sense of what he says and does. I’m still trying to figure out what the rules are. In reality, they are whatever he wants them to be and change from moment to moment. But still, I am trying to be compassionate and understanding and not the evil person he says I am.
Yesterday after telling him he could have May off. We would be okay financially, he get mad and left the dining room table. He put on his noise cancelling headphones and stormed upstairs. I texted him to come back down so we could formulate a plan. This concept is completely lost on him. As if “planning” isn’t a thing in his brain. He eventually cane back down and said he wasn’t talking to me if I was yelling at him.
I don’t understand! I was sitting calmly. I had not raised my voice at all. The therapist asked me once, “Does he think ‘yelling’ is anyone who doesn’t agree with him?” Maybe that’s it? Not only was I not yelling but I thought I was being gracious to give him a choice to not work if he doesn’t feel safe going back to work. But he thought I was yelling.
He returned able to have a calm conversation for a while. He has made no decision about May. He is concerned he will lose his job is September and wants me to just hang on until then to see what happens. SEPTEMBER! Then he might sell the house. So in September I would have money for a down payment and who knows what the market and interest rates would be like then.
So I said that doesn’t give me much time to buy a house. The settlement agreement says I will move out by December 2020. To which he screeches “December 2020!” Then mockingly, “why are you prolonging this!” He parroting my own words back to me. I tried to explain that I am not changing anything we already established. He agreed to December 2020 in the settlement agreement. And I am not trying to prolong it that’s why September doesn’t work. But even if he refinances in May, I won’t be moving out immediately. Closing on a house often takes at least a month. Ideally, I would like to move out over the summer.
The cycle repeats. I say what I want, honestly, and he gets mad at me. He launched into “well you had better get working on finding a place! What’s taking you so long. Get looking.” This is ridiculous. As I have told him 100 times, I cannot go to a realtor without a down payment, and to have that, he needs to complete the refinance. Right now there are 2 houses in my price range in our school district, TWO. Both have been on the market longer than 90 days. Good houses pop up and are sold before photos are even posted. His taunting is ridiculous.
But when he taunts next, ridicules me, I know intellectually that it says more about him than it says about me. At the same time it does say something about me. It says that I was dumb enough to ever see hope in a relationship with this man who doesn’t value anything I say or do! And that is the part that makes me sad. It also says that I am strong and smart and have good reasons to leave. But knowing these things does not make this feel better. It still feels like shit to be treated like shit. I am still constantly confused because he thinks I am the unbalanced one. Am I the unbalanced one? The marriage counselor says, no, and has even go so far as to say he is crazy. My friends say, no, it is him. My kids say, no, it is him. He yells at random food workers. He yells at the scheduler at his work. He gets mad and throws his phone when he has to call out sick. So I shouldn’t care what his fucked up irrational opinion of my actions are but I do. I have a need for him to see that I am being kind and fair even though he isn’t.
He will never understand this. He will always see me as the evil bitch who stabbed him in the back. He will always see me as the person who took everything from him.
Even just the repeated begging he has been doing for us to work this out. Saying he will go to counseling. When he says that I want to physically harm myself. I begged him to go to counseling! It took him 3-4 months to call and schedule one appointment, that’s how important this was to him. The counselor was good. He identified right away that my husband can’t identify emotions in himself or others and does not show empathy. My husband called him a douchebag and stopped attending after 3 sessions. I went by myself because he “accidentally” volunteered to work when we had a session scheduled and it was too short notice to cancel. It’s perfect! Just like everything else, I was left to do it alone! Then when I draw the line and say, “that’s it. I’m done.” He begs to go back to see “Dr Douchebag.”
He texts my family and friends and tells them to tell me to go back to counseling. WHEN HE NEVER WENT TO COUNSELING! I have been more times alone than I was with him. He repeatedly says he will change his anger and will “get help” but he wants to get help by taking a walk in the woods. He can’t do this alone. He doesn’t even understand where the problems are.
I’m exasperated. I’m exhausted.
Yesterday after this long calm talk about the future he poured half a bottle of wine into his glass at 9am. He’s not usually a drinker and I do not know what prompted this at 9am. I asked and he said “I have to finish the bottle before it goes bad.” At 9am?
And he is ignoring the decision of working or not working in May. When asked, he will say “how can I know that now?” It seems lost on him that adults make decisions everyday when they aren’t sure how things will turn out. You just do the best you can.
Maybe it is coronavirus isolation, but kindle unlimited has a lot of books about relationships and narcissists and BPD free for members. I am reading a good one right now “The Miserable Marriage Handbook for Woman” by Kathleen Keith. Repeatedly hearing the insights of others helps me maintain my own sanity.
Yesterday I rented “10 Cloverfield Lane.” Very good of you can handle watching someone being isolated with their abuser while isolated with your abuser.