When finalization is not final

This week we started teaching online for my school. That has been interesting. I use a lot of technology in my classrooms but because everyone in the nation was trying to school online, there were some problems with access and database errors. It made for a busy week of online teaching because I had tons of emails from kids everyday asking for help.

Tuesday night we had a finalization session with the mediator. All of these terms we wrote up on January 1, 2020. It was March 31, 2020. At the finalization it took a long time because my husband is trying to get the lawyer to understand that he doesn’t want to agree to any terms. He is telling her how he isn’t working which is again, his CHOICE and not some shitty thing that happened to him. When we asked her for recommendations abut child support, she basically told us if we wanted her professional opinion, it would cost an additional $900 and we would have to have another meeting.

As is typical for my husband, he didn’t want to spend the $900. Eventually after a 90 minute meeting, we had everything “finalized.” The lawyer took her notes to draw up the papers which she promised to us the next week.

AH! It is actually moving forward.

Then came Wednesday morning. I am in a Zoom for a meeting, answering emails, and in the middle of a massive Schoology outage when my husband comes down in to the home/office and says “we need to talk.” Which to me always means he needs my help and wants me to do something for him. I told him I was working until 3pm and got back to it.

At 3pm I went up to the kitchen to see what he needed. First of all his unemployment claim was denied because he voluntarily left his job. This is what I told him originally when he said he was taking the leave but he said someone else called and he would be paid. So he is not getting unemployment. And I don’t think it is something he is entitled to. He shouldn’t get unemployment for taking the chicken-shit way out and avoiding work. If he HAD stayed at work, his coworkers were paid full time and have not had to report to work so it would have been a good situation to be in. But no, he took the unpaid leave. When I brought up that he made this mess he said “I took the COLA because I was afraid of being on reserve (on-call)!” This is NOT what he said when he signed up for the COLA. When he signed up for the COLA he said he was taking it to avoid getting COVID-19. He told me he took it out of fear of getting sick. And I have no sympathy for him being afraid of being on reserve. I was on reserve at the same job for the better part of 6 years! He could handle it. But he didn’t want to do hard things, so he folded.

The next shitty thing that he wanted me to solve is that he sent the lawyer an email to say she should stop preparing all of our papers! While sitting at my desk all day, I do not read my personal email and so I wasn’t aware of this until he mentioned it. When I looked at the email he sent her it was like someone drunk was typing with alphabet soup. He sent her screen shots of different schedule from some app and said he wanted a schedule like one of these. This makes no sense because none of these schedules would fit with his normal work schedule!

Alternating weeks! God! I would LOVE alternating weeks! Then I could make plans and not have to talk to him about when he is working but he repeatedly said before in earlier negotiations that alternating weeks would not work for him. So we went with 2 weeks notice of his schedule. And now he emails her that he wants alternating weeks? I told him it makes no fucking sense.

Well, he doesn’t want alternating weeks. He just wanted her to know that he wants the kids 50/50, which is already in the documents. And he thinks the child support that we agreed on in January and that has remained the same figure since January is too high. He had the figure since January but only decided a night after the “finalization” session that it was too high. Why didn’t he think of this sooner? Because he doesn’t think. He just panics when it is too late. Why couldn’t he have brought any of this up BEFORE the “finalization” session?

I emailed the lawyer back and sent her new terms. We did lower the child support. He was right, it was too high but it took him 3 months to articulate that in a constructive way. And he derailed getting the documents finalized. Was that his plan?

Thursday he worked on getting in touch with banks for the refinance. All day he worked on this. When I woke up this morning, Friday, he tells me that no bank will lend money to him to refinance because he isn’t working. Again that was his CHOICE. No, it is not surprising but it is also infuriating! Had he just gone to work like he was supposed to and not volunteered for a leave out of fear, we would not be having these problems.

He doesn’t think they are problems because he loves it when the whole family is stuck in the house together. This is his dream come true.

Thursday night after dinner he shouts “SHIT! I forgot the taxes in my budget!” This is odd because he didn’t make “his budget.” He copied the file that I use and changed the numbers. I have taxes in my budget, why would he have deflated that? He ranted and said he was selling the house. Which sucks for me because I will get less equity if he sells than if he refinances. It sucks for the kids because then they have to move twice. It sucks for me because we would both be looking for a new house and he could out bid me for my tiny little slice of heaven I am looking.

I breathed. It is not my job to solve his problems. I am not responsible for his circus. He kept repeating it over and over “I forgot the taxes!” Over and over. I kept breathing.

An hour later he says “oh, they were here all along.” It is a spreadsheet. All the bills are in one column. I am not sure how you could go through the 20 categories for over an hour and not notice that one of the categories as called “taxes” but that is what he did.

This morning, no shock, the bank refused to give him refinancing terms until he is back working. I highly suspect that he called the bank and said, “hey I was looking to refinance my house and cash out some equity but I don’t have a job this month so would you approve that?” To which the obvious answer is no. I am not saying a bank would loan to anyone who was out of work. But I am saying that if it were me, I would have presented my paystubs for this month, which are still normal and hoped for approval. I think he is looking for anyway to stall this whole procedure.

And it makes me want to scream but I will just breathe.

The good thing about school being demanding right now is that I can spend most of my day with the kids in the basement. They days pass more quickly because I am busy and actually have a lot to follow up on each day.

Monday is April 13th. Almost he middle of April, and so May will come sooner than it probably feels right now. And of course there is a chance that when May arrives many things will be different. And so all I can do is focus on work and loving the kids and be as patient as possible. The only thing certain is that things change.

What do you think?

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