I have a Zoom every Monday at 1:30pm for work. It is a department meeting for teachers at my school. This week right before my meeting, I announced to the family, I was joining a Zoom until 2:45pm. As soon as I went into the basement office my husband started vacuuming. Was this an accident?
I texted him to please stop. So he did. He then proceeded to carry the recycling container through the room I was having my meeting in, opening the garage door (attached to the room I am in), and dumping all the recycling into the main receptacle. Could he make more noise?
When my meeting was over, I told him he could resume vacuuming but he did not. At 3:45, I reminded everyone that my daughter had a Zoom for piano, we needed to be quiet. As soon as her Zoom started, he got out the weed whacked and trimmed the garden edges, right below the window that is nearest the piano. Is he doing this on purpose?
Nothing was noisy on Tuesday. Today, I host a Zoom for my class from 2-3pm. I remind the family. At 1:55pm he starts vacuuming above me again. I assume these are calls for attention. I interrupt my meeting to text my daughter to please ask him to stop until 3pm when my Zoom is over. At 2:55pm he resumes vacuuming. He vacuums for about 10 more minutes total and then is done. Is he punking me?
I know that I have purposely not been giving him attention for his dramatic moods. I have not been assuaging his fears like I would have 6 months ago. I am making only positive supportive comments to his concerns. I think he misses getting attention.
This morning, my daughter asked if we could get pizza for dinner. I said, “yes! Please!” My husband says, “no meat, no dough,” on the family group chat. So does he want just cheese then? “No,” he replies when my daughter asks, “I’ll cook a steak.” Did I miss something? Isn’t a steak meat? I cannot understand him. I used to want to try but I have just decided to try to breathe and let him be strange without giving him my attention.
I am reading a book that is on kindleunlimited called “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans. I am finding it, once again, spot on. Today I remembered a time when I was sick that I considered my husband’s behavior very abusive but he thought he was protecting me.
I have intestinal issues which sometimes means I do not absorb nutrients well. I had an episode of lightheadedness in May 2018 and another in December 2018. I think this event took place in May because I remember the weather was gorgeous. I was light headed at work. I had been dizzy for a few days so this was not a surprise. Thankfully, I thought, my husband was home on this day. My school is huge. My parking space is almost a half mile from my classroom. I was having trouble walking and needed to go see a doctor for blood tests. I ask him to come pick me up and drive me to my car because I could not walk that far carrying my heavy school bag. He said he would be happy to come help me.
He arrives a half-hour later and I walk down to his car, near the steps near my room. I am walking holding onto the car because staying elevated is hard for me. I ask him to please circle the building to the other parking lot so I can get my car. “No,” he says.
“Please, drive me over to get my car!” We live about 8 miles from my school. Roads are not busy in the middle of the day. I ask him to follow behind me on the way home and if I get light headed I’ll pull over but at this time I was fine sitting my only problem was standing.
“No.” He said.
“Please!” I begged. “I don’t want to leave my car here!”
“You can get an Uber and come back for it tomorrow,” he told me. Because he was going to be gone at work the next day.
“Please take me to my car!” He refused. Told me to stop telling him what to do and started yelling at me. He got angry and with his anger was driving too fast. I wanted out of his car. We got home I asked him to take me back to get my car so that I could drive to the doctors appointment. I had an hour later. He refused saying he would drive me. I told him I didn’t want to ride in the car with him. He told me that was too bad. I rested on the couch. Instead of sitting with me in the living room, he went up to the bedroom, where it would be difficult for me to walk up the steps, and ignored my texts.
When it was time to leave for the appointment I called up to him and asked if he was coming down He ignored my calls. I physically could not walk up the steps. I called again. Now I am crying, “please! I need to go to the doctor!” He doesn’t respond. I take his keys and drive myself to my school. I get my car and leave his car in the lot, which I think is kind because then he can just Uber to my school to get his car. Remember this is what he suggested that I could do the next day.
I get all the way to the appointment, about a 30 minute drive. When he asks me why I stole his car. “I needed to get to my appointment and you did not come downstairs. You wouldn’t take to me my car and I needed a car.” I told him his car was parking in my school parking lot. And if I am honest here, one reason I didn’t drive his car all the way to the appointment is that I was afraid he would call the police and say that I stole his car. That is what I was thinking.
At my appointment they did a bunch of bloodwork. Later I found out I was anemic and B12 deficient which I now know is kind of common for me because of my SIBO/IBS. I drove home, having no trouble while sitting, just like I had told my husband.
When I get home he screams at me for stealing his car. He told me it wasn’t safe for me to drive myself, which obviously it was, I drove fine. And I was not having any difficulty sitting this day, just standing, as I had told him thousands of times.
He told me I was crazy, when really he wasn’t listening to what I wanted or needed from him. He was trying to tell me what he thought I needed and only offering to provide what he wanted to do. He was being a huge asshole and psychologically abusive when he ignored my requests to come downstairs and drive me to my appointment. And this is one of those moments of clarity when I realized, he doesn’t give a shit about me.
He says he acted this way because he was trying to protect me. But he NEVER EVER treats me as an equal. He would not listen to my own observations about my own body. He would not listen to the fact that I needed my car at home because he was leaving for work early the next day and I would be at the mercy of Uber to get to work and to get my kid to activities.
He does not care what I want or need. He only cares that he looked like the knight coming to rescue me when he picked me up and that he could decided I was crazy for “stealing” his car, when he would not give me a ride to the very appointment that he was supposed to take me to.
This is one example of how my husband shows me that he does not think we are equals. This is one example of how he is an uncaring asshole. This is also one example, in his eyes, of how he is always there for me to protect me.
I hope the courts open soon! I need out of this abusive house and away from this abusive mother fucker!