My kids have always wanted to know what we are doing tomorrow. What is the plan? As many have posted, we made a schedule for these no school/no activities days to make sure we don’t just all stare at a screen every waking minute. My son is calling these days off, “break,” so we are calling this our Out”Break” Schedule.
Last night we ate my version of Irish Boxty for St. Patrick’s Day. Potato pancakes, vegetables, chicken, gravy. My husband was tense. He’s anxious about being laid off from work or being put on an “on-call” schedule. I commented that he hadn’t ever been on-call for long. That was supposed to be supportive. I was saying, it won’t last. It will be ok. He freaked on me. Started yelling that he was on-call for a year and a half twenty-five years ago. Shouting that I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I am to the point where, there is no point arguing with him. If he wants to rage and call me names when I am offering support, it just proves how incredibly broken he is. So I just read my book and waited for him to stop.
He keeps saying, about our lock-in, that it is awesome. He loves the family all together when we can’t leave. Is there something a little misplaced there?
I cleaned up dinner. He ran to the store to get ice cream for the kids. They actually had it! The kids ate ice cream then we cleaned up to walk the dogs. And this was a disaster. Our 13 year-old didn’t really want to come but we told her it wasn’t optional. She was grumbling and giving me grumpy looks. I was smiling at her for being such a teen. We came to a corner and my daughter and I crossed the street to the north while my husband and son continued walking west. By this time my daughter and I were laughing. Why did the guys go one way and we went the other? Why was she so grumpy? My husband incorrectly thought we were laughing at him. He shoved the dog leash he was holding at me and just turned around and left us. I asked for poop bags and he kept walking. The dog he had poops on every walk so we needed the bags!
He kept walking away from us with me behind him asking him to drop the bags. Please drop the bags! I’m in front of my house begging my spouse, who continues to say he loves me, to throw trash bags on the ground for me to pick up. This is what I’m begging for.
He dropped some on the driveway, after making us chase him all the way home. We picked them up and walked the dogs. I told the kids what I always tell them, dad is mean when he’s stressed but acting like that is not okay. The dogs had a good walk. We came home and he grilled my daughter “why were you laughing?” What a great way to make sure no one ever laughs again. “WHY WERE YOU LAUGHING?” before I even got upstairs he had redamaged everything I had repaired. I gathered some things and put them in the basement. The futon is the most uncomfortable bed I have ever slept on but I have to be away from him.
He sent me a text late last night “Sometime I wish you would just shut the fuck up and listen to what I’m going thru once in a while. Cause if you don’t know what you’re saying is true, you shouldn’t say it at all.” I responded with “goodnight.” I am listening, I am trying to be supportive, but he won’t let anyone in. He always assumes that people are mocking him. He can’t laugh at anything.
What if he loses his job? Oh well, life goes on. What if he goes back on-call, then be thankful for your job, life goes on. He doesn’t ever hold that sense that everything will be fine. He holds the opposite, nothing will be fine. He’s so freaking broken. And he won’t see a therapist. Any attempts I make at helping him see reality, are not welcomed.
Yesterday was Day 4 of our lock-in. Day 4! How can we keep this up for 2 full weeks? Likely it will be longer!
This morning, sitting in this little basement room with a stiff back from the crappy bed, I want to text him back. Show him how he got it all wrong yesterday but it won’t make a difference. He can’t trust. In fact, he usually assumes that I am out to sabotage him. Why would he think that and then also say that he loves me? Would you tell someone you love to “shut the f#*€ up”? I wouldn’t!
My instinct is to run away from this. Pack up the kids and dogs and drive all night to my parents house. We will be off school indefinitely.
Here we go, lock-in day 5. Please bring us peace. I just want peace.